Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Guys which shade of gery should I get

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO