Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
You wish you had this many chins.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?