everyone’s a critic
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.