Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”