Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
ugh not again
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Whoa… oh I see lol