Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry