Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Not recommended for beginners.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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