Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants