everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.