Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Not recommended for beginners.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING