Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: I鈥檓 in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I鈥檝e got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Interviewer: “Your r茅sum茅 says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Mafia Boss: you鈥檙e gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we鈥檙e not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We鈥檙e a cover band