Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The struggle is real.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”