“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”


Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello


I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date


As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.


If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.


Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious


[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?


Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*


I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.


I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.