“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Merry Christmas
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.