Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.