“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
The booster protects against what, now?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Always a housemaid, never a house.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow