Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Just a phase…
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?