Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders