Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
what’s the point then??
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.