everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that