everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener