Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire