Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.