Everything reminds me of my ex
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I came this close!!!!
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too