Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
titanic
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you