“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
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I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.