Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI