“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely