Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
absolutely not
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
This hospital has everything
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.