Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.