Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
They’re stuck in your pants?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.