Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it