everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*limbos away from your hug*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
#oldknees
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it