evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.