[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

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[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?


.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.


There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl


“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son


When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.


The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.


Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.


“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”


I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.