Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
You Might Also Like
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.