Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
#Caturday
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again