“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I think about this a lot
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared