ew if literal: let me be clear
You Might Also Like
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
had to make it
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Most fashion shows these days…
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I think about this a lot
