Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Friends that check up on you >