“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.