Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Spell check is for lasers.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.