ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”