ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
You Might Also Like
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
also my go-to takeaway order
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”