Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I need to get some bricks…
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.