Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]