Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step