Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
War & Peace