Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Oh boy, $150,000!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.