Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Body by cheese-puffs.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”