exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Basketball
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Meeeee too!
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*