[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I did not eat the cake…
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower