excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him