“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
August 8
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it